Perfection is like death

A friend gave a me a book of meditations that I love. I really needed to hear the one I read today.

"Perfection is like death"

We think that if we just meditated enough or jogged or ate perfect food, everything would be perfect. But from the point of view of someone who is awake, that's death. Seeking security or perfection, rejoicing in feeling confirmed and whole, self contained and comfortable, is some kind of death. It doesn't have any fresh air.There's no room for anything to come in and disrupt all that. We are killing the moment by controlling the experience. Doing this is setting ourselves up for failure, because sooner or later we're going to have an experience that we can't control.... The essence of life is that it's challenging...From an awakened perspective, trying to tie up all the loose ends and finally get it together is death, because it involves rejecting a lot of your basic experience...To be fully alive, fully human is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man's land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. - Pema Chodron

Sick Baby

Zooey was actually sick for the first time a few weeks ago. Pretty good for an 8 month old, right?

On that Monday when I picked him up from daycare, he had a fever, but they didn't call because it was 100.9. They call at 101. I still freaked out a bit, since he was a little fussy and tired and had never run a fever like that.

On Tuesday, he made it at daycare until about 1:30 before I got the call saying that I had to pick him up. It was close to 102. Straight to the doctor, who did a little blood test (he didn't cry one bit - I almost did.) that showed that Zooey was fighting something viral. Needless to say, the rest of the day involved lots of nursing and cuddling. He feel asleep on my shoulder, which he never does.

Josh and I both stayed home the next day to tag team Zooey, but he was happy and fever free all day. I think we both spent a lot of the day staring at him, wondering if the worst was over and waiting for something horrible to happen.

All this to say, that experiencing a sick baby for the first time is another unnerving chance for me to learn to feel and actually trust my maternal instincts. My thoughts kept reminding my that I am completely responsible for this tiny person and I had no clue what to do. I found it extremely hard to actually believe that Zooey was okay. Even when he was happy and playing, I was just waiting for him to spike some horrible fever. Everytime he coughed I thought of that scary commercial about whooping cough and was convinced that was what Zooey's cough sounded like. I was constantly coming us with escape routes and emergency plans.

That Wednesday night Zooey cried and coughed for most of the night. I cried a lot of the night as well, convinced that something must be wrong. The next morning Josh told me that he kept trying to take Z from me to let me sleep for a bit and I just cried and mumbled something about changing his diaper and nursing him - clearly letting him go was out of the question.

Needless to say he's made a full recovery and is proving to have a very strong immune system. You'll be happy to know that I've made a full recovery as well and feel I'll be more prepared/ calm next time. We'll see.

peas and prunes and pears - Oh My!

After being introduced to a handful of solids Zooey went 5 days without pooping! That paired with two allergic reactions in one week resulted in a pear and prune diet for the next several days. That makes it a bit difficult to introduce new foods. Now it seems like we're back on track so I've spent a few naptimes making and storing baby food. Cooking is not my favorite thing to do. I'm so thankful for a husband who finds cooking healthy meals stress relieving, but I do like making baby food. Simple steps of preparation and cooking, then blending and spooning into cute little organizing containers are right up my alley.

Poof! Healthy food for a happy baby.

Last weekend it was butternut squash,

pears

and prunes (for obvious reasons).

Zooey loved liking prunes right off the spoon.

This weekend we have peas,

apples

and carrots.

Zooey is so cute. When he sees me put colorful ice cubes into a small bowl, he begins kicking his legs and bouncing around. He knows it's time to eat, and he likes to eat.

Grateful for the Morning

Our mornings can be a bit hectic. It really depends on Zooey's sleep (or lack of). Josh and I have a great tag-team effort. Before leaving for work there needs to/ should be showers, pumping, dressing, blowing raspberries on Zooey's tummy, diapering, COFFEE, and packing bookbag, daycare bag, pump, lunch (I seriously walk out the door with at least 4 bags.)

When Zooey first wakes up, we put him in our bed for a little family snuggle time before our busy day. On this particular morning, Zooey was babbling away as I left him with Josh and pulled myself out of bed to get ready for work. Josh didn't have school, so I was on my own to face the day at that hour.

About 45 minutes later I was ready to leave and realized how quiet it was. I walked into our bedroom to see Josh and Zooey in a precious snuggle that brought tears to my eyes and took everything in my not to kick off my shoes and call in sick.

They were facing each other and Zooey's hand were entwined in Josh's beard. He had pulled his body to almost wrap around Josh's face and they were both sound asleep. My two true loves.

In that moment I was reminded of the many things to be grateful for and mindful of in my life. The memory of that morning is one of them.

New Year

Aww the beginning of yet another year. Zooey's first Christmas(I hope to post pictures one day) flew by, but was very sweet. We traveled and visited, ate and opened presents, got sick (everyone except Zooey) and took multiple deep breaths to remind myself to enjoy the moments.

With this new year comes several new things (not just all of the hundreds of Christmas presents). New classes for Josh, new furniture arrangement in the living room, new sleep schedule, new TEETH! That's right. Zooey has a precious, tiny little bottom tooth.

...and new food (also for Zooey). I've introduced a few solids to Zooey. He hasn't really been to into them, until right before Christmas. I took a make your own baby food class a few months ago, so I've been excited to try it out. So far, what I can tell is that he LOVES bananas, but does not like sweet potato, peas or carrots. On the menu for the next few weeks, he'll try green beans and butternut squash and some sort of grain.

Speaking of grain, I have a little attitude towards rice cereal. I have heard, since Zooey was born, that I need to give him cereal or add cereal to my breastmilk. It infuriates me when people say that (to anyone). So now I have a little voice in the back of my head saying that my child will never have rice cereal. That will show the world. It's juvenile, I know. So maybe just some oatmeal will do.

So with this new adventure with solid food, comes mine and Josh's new adventure in poopy diapers. That will be another post. Just let me say that banana poo is quite gross.

Happy New Year!
-K

A Natural Experience

This is a post that I started a long time ago and am just now finishing. It was written a few days before Zooey was born. It's weird to read back and hear myself wonder what birth would be like. It makes me so thankful that everything happened as it was suppose to. Maybe not exactly the way I imagined, but it was beautifully perfect still.

Here's what I wrote...
So, I'm right at one week until my due date and constantly in a state of waiting to feel those first few moments of labor. With every little tighten or twinge, I think, "Is this it?" But according to my midwife, I'll probably go right up to the 16th or beyond. We'll see.

As much as I've read and heard about labor, I'm sure I'll know when it's actually happening. For various reasons I've decided to have a natural/unmedicated birth. You can imagine the reactions that a decision such as this, in today's world of epidurals and letting the medical world take care of things, would have. Regardless, this has become quite an important decision to me (and Josh).

When I first found out that I was pregnant, I wasn't quite sure about having a natural childbirth. I didn't know that many women who had done it. It isn't the pain so much that scares me, but more of the intensity of the situation. I tend to get very anxious or overwhelmed. As I considered that, I thought about being there, giving birth, everyone taking care of things, Josh being there super excited, midwives running about and me in the middle unable to feel or be an active part of it. I know, that sounds weird, because with the baby coming out of me, of course I would be a part of it. What I'm saying is that with everyone else there, 100% present in the moment, I feel certain that I would feel left out of something I've been waiting and preparing for over the last 10 months (or the past several years).

As the mid-wife had predicted, I did go past my due date.

A lot of people have asked me whether I'll have a natural childbirth again. Of course, I will. I understand it sounds crazy since I was in labor for 67 hours with Zooey. Even so, I still think natural childbirth is important - allowing a woman's body to do what it knows to do is important - for mommy and baby. What people don't realize is that if I had allowed intervention earlier in my labor, there's a good chance that it would have ended in a spiral of interventions. I had prodromal labor, meaning my body was in the active labor stage for a really long time. I needed more time than what hospitals want to give. Actually, a lot of first time mothers have prodromal labor. Trying to 'force' labor can have negative effects on the process.

I was extremely against interventions. Epidurals will sometimes slow down contractions, giving some doctors reasons to want to give the mother pitocin. Or the other way around. Pitocin creates extremely unnatural and grueling contractions. Then if the mom is still not 'progressing'(like it's her fault), the baby might be stressed(because the pitocin is causing hard, fast contractions) and this process many times end with a caesarean.

Woman's bodies were created for this, yes, even though it's painful. In our attempt to live a painfree existence, we've become scared to feel any pain - even if it's beautifully purposeful. So, there's my soapbox.

Zooey is already almost 5 months old!

We've been having so much fun with Zooey. Of course we had to get a few pics with a pumpkin to welcome the season even though it's still hot.

The weather was perfect the other day, so Zooey and I spent most of the afternoon outside.