So there are several half written posts sitting in my draft folder anxiously waiting to make their debut, but the way I'm feeling today is needing to be expressed first.

I just had the opportunity to spend four days with Zooey all by myself, while Josh went camping and canoeing with friends. I can call it an "opportunity" now that I/we survived, when before it was thought of with intense anxiety and self doubt. "You mean I have to be ALONE with him for that long, fixing ALL of his meals, changing ALL of his diapers, answering EACH of his many teething screams?!?!" I tried to find any possible way to get out of it. My in-laws=out of town, my parents=7hour drive, friends that could come spend the weekend=scattered all over the country.

So, it was just me and him. We filled our days with fun activities: walks to the park, shopping for his birthday party next weekend, playing chase Percy(the cat) around the house, swimming in the new kiddie pool, etc. Mommy napped when he napped, cried some when he cried, and laughed a lot with him, too.

It was an enlightening weekend for me to see that I really do have it in me to provide for all of his needs. Accepting my new role as 'Mommy', even though it has almost been a year, has happened with each milestone or recognition. Birth, nursing, going to daycare, crying all night for mama, finger foods, crawling, babbling, teething, baby proofing and realizing all the new things that I'm responsible for.

With each new phase/milestone, I feel like a certain re-centering, re-focusing, reassurance has to happen in order to counter my immediate tendency to control, micro-manage or deny the unstoppable change. Without this, I miss out and he grows up anyway.

All that to say, I'm at a huge crossroads right now. Zooey is biting. And not cutely trying his shiny new teeth out on me, but drawing blood and leaving bruises. He's had only bottles for the past two days. I'm feeling quite helpless. Maybe a phase? Don't know. Teething? Definitely - # 7 and 8 are breaking through as we speak. Bored? Maybe -he's quite an active one. Vampire? So it seems.

My goal has been to breastfeed for at least a year and then see what happens, but now it seems as if he's being weaned this week (a week before his first birthday).

It wasn't suppose to happen like this! The truth is - I'm heartbroken. I feel as if I've failed. When he nurses, it's OUR time, and now that's over? No! Every 'Mommy Mantra' or positive thinking strategy has gone right out the window and been replaced with panic. All that 're-focusing' crap from three paragraphs ago - gone. I want my nursing baby back!

I know that I can keep pumping and giving him breast milk and maybe it will pass, but another part of me is asking if he could, in fact, be 'self weaning'? He does love food. And if so, do I go through my acceptance steps again and watch him grow? I guess so (said extremely unknowingly.)