Affirmation

I teach for a lot of reasons. I love kids, but also, I love to watch kids learn new things and make connections, and I love being a facilitator of that process.

It's a lot of work and I don't always feel like I'm cut out for it. I get anxious and frustrated when I am unsure of the job that I am doing. That usually leads to me thinking of the others jobs that maybe I should have chosen as careers.

As my students trickled into class the other day, I was running around setting out various supplies that we would need throughout the day. I was feeling stressed and needing affirmation that I'm actually good at what I do.

At that moment, I feel a student hugging my leg. "Good morning, Camille. Please unpack and start your morning work," I said, not looking up from my preparations.

"Mrs. Shepherd, I love you more than rainbows," was her reply.

'Yep,' I thought to myself. I'm right where I need to be.

Adventures in Teaching, Volume 1 - The Gerbil

First Graders provide an infinite amount of entertainment. Sometimes it makes me laugh and other times, well... I'll laugh later. I can plan lessons all I want to, but the truth is, I never know what might happen in my classroom.

Here's an example that I think captures perfectly the adventurous job of teaching:

On Tuesday this week, I called my students to our meeting area to start the day. I noticed a little girl fiddling with something in her lap that clearly she didn't want me to see. I gave my usual warning. "(Student), I see that you have a toy in your lap, if you don't want me to take it up, you should go put it in your backpack. If I see it out again, it goes in my 'June drawer'(where you won't get it back until June)."

I held my hand out to her. "I'm happy to take it up now, if you think it's going to distract you from learning today."

"Noooo, Mrs. Shepherd, I'll put it away." And off she ran to put whatever she had safe in her backpack.

On Wednesday, while the kids were at lunch, I received an email from a mom, which included a 'PS' telling me that her daughter had informed her that the Tuesday student had brought her gerbil to school yesterday and planned to do the same today. She wasn't sure if she meant a stuffed animal or not.

I chuckled to myself, thinking "Yeah, right." But a quick flash back to the day before, and how urgent she was to put her toy away without me seeing it, plus hearing scurrying in the cubbies and thinking that I should talk to the custodian and I decided to check her backpack.

Nervously, I unzipped her backpack, only to find a ton of junk - old work, multiple silly hats, crayons, gloves and a zippered pencil pouch. I thought of breathing a sigh of relief but looked again at the zipper pouch. "Please, no." , but yes. I unzipped it just enough for a terrified gerbil (who looked much more like a rat with a 5 inch tail!) to shove his head through and try to escape. The next moments are a blur of me shoving him back in, zipping it up, jumping up and down and running to my friend's classroom next door.

After finding a better container for the pet, I tried to compassionately yet sternly explain to the little girl the hideousness of her decisions. From an 'animal rights perspective(two days in a zipper pouch with no food, water, or air)' to a 'school is for learning perspective'. She sobbingly explained that her friend wanted to see her gerbil, to which I replied, "If my friend wants to see my horse, does that make it okay to zip him up in my backpack and sneak him to school? A picture of your gerbil would have been a much better choice.

Therefore, despite my lesson plans, animal ethics replaced subtraction that day. Like I said, an infinite amount of entertainment.

Still Here

I’ve totally been MIA for the past few weeks as so much has been going on. For starters, I began a new job and am officially back in the classroom teaching(where I belong). Due to some changes in my research job, I was on a serious job hunt and scored a 1^st grade position at a wonderful school in town. Not long after being hired that 1^st grade position became a Kindergarten/1^st grade combination class, which is a little trickier, but still proving to be a lot of fun(and work). I totally forgot how much work goes into teaching. Needless to say, the first two weeks of school have been exciting and exhausting, but still affirming.

Secondly, we moved into a cute little rental house around the corner from where we were living – the weekend before I started the above mentioned new job – might I add. It was a bit impulsive, but increasingly worth it. We passed our new home while out for a morning stroll and about three weeks later were moving in. It was the huge East facing window in the living room that did it for me and built in bookcases that did it for Josh (who needed more convincing when the projected budget was done.)

Zooey is loving his new space to roam, looking out all the windows! and his very own bedroom. It was his momma, actually, who had a harder time with him liking his own bedroom.

With the new house comes Zooey’s first steps! Momma and Daddy are experiencing a new feeling of joy when this little man pulls himself upright and with a huge smile and giggles as he timidly steps/runs into our arms. It’s my new favorite thing.

And then there’s the trip to the Emergency room that we are still somewhat recovering from. Zooey had a terrible bout with croup Thursday night, which resulted in two breathing treatments, steroids and a near admittance into the hospital. After sitting up in a very uncomfortable and freezing room from 1:30am -7:30am the doctor reluctantly sent us home under strict orders to watch an listen for any change in his breathing, in which, we were to come straight back. Have you ever heard of “resting strider”? It apparently is a hardcore type of croup that Zooey had that has the power to make a confident doctor listen several times to a baby’s breathing and even then scratch his head a bit before making his decision. He’s is better now, but I never ever want to hear that barking cough or sucking wind sound come from my child again.

So now that we’ve had an extremely eventful month, I’m hoping for a quieter settling in at our new home (if I can get some of these boxes out of the way) and a welcoming of fall – my favorite. Which in Florida has to begin in my mind as I stare out the window, hopefully knitting, and imagine cooler temperature – that in reality won’t be here until November.

Family Adventure

I wanted (finally) share some pictures of a family adventure to the mountains in Colorado that we took two months ago. I know, I know, I'm a terrible blogger. Our trip was to Fort Collins, CO and then on to Seattle, but along the way we took a detour.

Josh and I ache for the mountains. When we decided to take a trip to CO, I immediately starting devising plans that involved sleeping as close to outside as we could without freezing the baby. So, we rented a yurt. A what? you say. A yurt is a tent like structure with thicker walls. Ours was complete with a bed, couch, wood burning stove and an outhouse nearby. That's right - no electricity - or were you gasping at the mention of an outhouse? I said it was an adventure.

We were two hours up into the mountains, so needless to say, there was SNOW! And lots of it. We are Floridians now, so we miss crunchy walks through fresh snow.

Although he had the perfect bear suit, thanks to hand-me-downs from friends, Zooey was not too excited about making a snow angel.

With no electricity comes a pretty early bedtime, resulting in a certain tiny person waking up with the sun. We took a morning tromp through the snow at about 6 am.

If there was a perfume called "Wood Burning Stove" for women - I might consider it. Or maybe just the air freshener. It's such a cozy smell. There should be at least an aromatherapy candle out there called, "Cozy" or "Snuggle" or "Pajama Pants" or "Put Another Log on the Fire". (That last one is really for my family, who will know what song to began singing.)

We hiked, talked, snuggled, enjoyed the quiet of literally being in the middle of nowhere, made terrible tasting coffee in a percolator, froze our buns off in the outhouse and melted snow to wash our dishes.

It was perfect. A sweet reminder of all that the mountains have to offer. It was just what we wanted.

Update

Now that I've had some time to calm down a bit and become more rational, I'll give an update. Sadly, Zooey has, in fact, weaned himself. I say sadly, because it's hard for me to accept that my little baby, who is one year tomorrow, is making his own decision to pull away a bit from his mama, but also, sadly, because he wasn't quite making it through the night without nursing. Nor, has he master his reasoning skills enough for me to explain to him that nursing all night will be a hard habit to break.

I've gotten some great words of encouragement friends/other mamas and talked to my two favorite lactation consultants, who told me just what I needed to hear. That it was "okay" for him to do this. That I should feel successful and celebrate his independence. (whew. Breathe, relax the shoulders and release the tension cramping in my back.) It's rare that a baby self weans before 1, but it does happen(apparently). I was thinking that I had done something wrong, bad parent, life scarring, etc...

Josh has been incredible. I pump once a day to provide a night bottle, say "Good Night" and then Josh takes it from there, and I don't know what to do with myself. And actually, seeing how my own 'drying up' process has been a breeze so far, it's clear to me now that Zooey's been more accepting of his growing up process for a while as evidenced by my lower milk production and his increased love of table food.


I would totally keep nursing him to sleep and whenever he woke up, but when he's sleepy and I pick him up he seems conflicted with what is habit and what he wants. He dives to nurse, but then yanks away resulting in horribly confused screaming.


I was prepared for a gradual happier weaning process, but in just one week of following Zooey's cues he has stopped nursing and not looked back, except for a very sweet half nurse one morning, I'm pretty sure he did that for his mama, and one time when he was so upset it was a last resort. He also cut a bottle out from his daily three at daycare and welcomes cups of whole milk instead. Ahhh, my baby is so grown up!

So, having spent a lot of time the past couple of days remembering his beautiful birth and first year, I welcome the growth, independence and changes to come in year 2.

Happy Birthday Zooey! Mama loves you!
-Kelly

So there are several half written posts sitting in my draft folder anxiously waiting to make their debut, but the way I'm feeling today is needing to be expressed first.

I just had the opportunity to spend four days with Zooey all by myself, while Josh went camping and canoeing with friends. I can call it an "opportunity" now that I/we survived, when before it was thought of with intense anxiety and self doubt. "You mean I have to be ALONE with him for that long, fixing ALL of his meals, changing ALL of his diapers, answering EACH of his many teething screams?!?!" I tried to find any possible way to get out of it. My in-laws=out of town, my parents=7hour drive, friends that could come spend the weekend=scattered all over the country.

So, it was just me and him. We filled our days with fun activities: walks to the park, shopping for his birthday party next weekend, playing chase Percy(the cat) around the house, swimming in the new kiddie pool, etc. Mommy napped when he napped, cried some when he cried, and laughed a lot with him, too.

It was an enlightening weekend for me to see that I really do have it in me to provide for all of his needs. Accepting my new role as 'Mommy', even though it has almost been a year, has happened with each milestone or recognition. Birth, nursing, going to daycare, crying all night for mama, finger foods, crawling, babbling, teething, baby proofing and realizing all the new things that I'm responsible for.

With each new phase/milestone, I feel like a certain re-centering, re-focusing, reassurance has to happen in order to counter my immediate tendency to control, micro-manage or deny the unstoppable change. Without this, I miss out and he grows up anyway.

All that to say, I'm at a huge crossroads right now. Zooey is biting. And not cutely trying his shiny new teeth out on me, but drawing blood and leaving bruises. He's had only bottles for the past two days. I'm feeling quite helpless. Maybe a phase? Don't know. Teething? Definitely - # 7 and 8 are breaking through as we speak. Bored? Maybe -he's quite an active one. Vampire? So it seems.

My goal has been to breastfeed for at least a year and then see what happens, but now it seems as if he's being weaned this week (a week before his first birthday).

It wasn't suppose to happen like this! The truth is - I'm heartbroken. I feel as if I've failed. When he nurses, it's OUR time, and now that's over? No! Every 'Mommy Mantra' or positive thinking strategy has gone right out the window and been replaced with panic. All that 're-focusing' crap from three paragraphs ago - gone. I want my nursing baby back!

I know that I can keep pumping and giving him breast milk and maybe it will pass, but another part of me is asking if he could, in fact, be 'self weaning'? He does love food. And if so, do I go through my acceptance steps again and watch him grow? I guess so (said extremely unknowingly.)

The Wisdom of a 9 Month Old

Ahhh...it's been a long day and we're finally home. As much comfort that it provides me to walk into our house, it's hard not to immediately feel distracted by the obvious chores that await. Unpack the car and baby, empty daycare bag of dirty bottles, put pumped milk in the fridge, ask Josh what he's making for dinner :). I take a look around and see dishes to be done, laundry to be put away, corners to be swept, junk to deal with everywhere! I hear the advice of mothers and am quickly overwhelmed by unattainable expectations put on myself by myself. Then I feel it. That breath stopping, tear welling knot that forms in my throat all too easily. Panic. Where do I begin? What is most important?

Then I hear it..."Ma ma ma ma ma." All it takes is a glance at that toothy smile reaching for me to answer my question of what's most important. It's as if he's saying, "The dishes can wait, Momma. This moment with me is now." You're right, son. Thank you.

Perfection is like death

A friend gave a me a book of meditations that I love. I really needed to hear the one I read today.

"Perfection is like death"

We think that if we just meditated enough or jogged or ate perfect food, everything would be perfect. But from the point of view of someone who is awake, that's death. Seeking security or perfection, rejoicing in feeling confirmed and whole, self contained and comfortable, is some kind of death. It doesn't have any fresh air.There's no room for anything to come in and disrupt all that. We are killing the moment by controlling the experience. Doing this is setting ourselves up for failure, because sooner or later we're going to have an experience that we can't control.... The essence of life is that it's challenging...From an awakened perspective, trying to tie up all the loose ends and finally get it together is death, because it involves rejecting a lot of your basic experience...To be fully alive, fully human is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man's land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. - Pema Chodron

Sick Baby

Zooey was actually sick for the first time a few weeks ago. Pretty good for an 8 month old, right?

On that Monday when I picked him up from daycare, he had a fever, but they didn't call because it was 100.9. They call at 101. I still freaked out a bit, since he was a little fussy and tired and had never run a fever like that.

On Tuesday, he made it at daycare until about 1:30 before I got the call saying that I had to pick him up. It was close to 102. Straight to the doctor, who did a little blood test (he didn't cry one bit - I almost did.) that showed that Zooey was fighting something viral. Needless to say, the rest of the day involved lots of nursing and cuddling. He feel asleep on my shoulder, which he never does.

Josh and I both stayed home the next day to tag team Zooey, but he was happy and fever free all day. I think we both spent a lot of the day staring at him, wondering if the worst was over and waiting for something horrible to happen.

All this to say, that experiencing a sick baby for the first time is another unnerving chance for me to learn to feel and actually trust my maternal instincts. My thoughts kept reminding my that I am completely responsible for this tiny person and I had no clue what to do. I found it extremely hard to actually believe that Zooey was okay. Even when he was happy and playing, I was just waiting for him to spike some horrible fever. Everytime he coughed I thought of that scary commercial about whooping cough and was convinced that was what Zooey's cough sounded like. I was constantly coming us with escape routes and emergency plans.

That Wednesday night Zooey cried and coughed for most of the night. I cried a lot of the night as well, convinced that something must be wrong. The next morning Josh told me that he kept trying to take Z from me to let me sleep for a bit and I just cried and mumbled something about changing his diaper and nursing him - clearly letting him go was out of the question.

Needless to say he's made a full recovery and is proving to have a very strong immune system. You'll be happy to know that I've made a full recovery as well and feel I'll be more prepared/ calm next time. We'll see.

peas and prunes and pears - Oh My!

After being introduced to a handful of solids Zooey went 5 days without pooping! That paired with two allergic reactions in one week resulted in a pear and prune diet for the next several days. That makes it a bit difficult to introduce new foods. Now it seems like we're back on track so I've spent a few naptimes making and storing baby food. Cooking is not my favorite thing to do. I'm so thankful for a husband who finds cooking healthy meals stress relieving, but I do like making baby food. Simple steps of preparation and cooking, then blending and spooning into cute little organizing containers are right up my alley.

Poof! Healthy food for a happy baby.

Last weekend it was butternut squash,

pears

and prunes (for obvious reasons).

Zooey loved liking prunes right off the spoon.

This weekend we have peas,

apples

and carrots.

Zooey is so cute. When he sees me put colorful ice cubes into a small bowl, he begins kicking his legs and bouncing around. He knows it's time to eat, and he likes to eat.

Grateful for the Morning

Our mornings can be a bit hectic. It really depends on Zooey's sleep (or lack of). Josh and I have a great tag-team effort. Before leaving for work there needs to/ should be showers, pumping, dressing, blowing raspberries on Zooey's tummy, diapering, COFFEE, and packing bookbag, daycare bag, pump, lunch (I seriously walk out the door with at least 4 bags.)

When Zooey first wakes up, we put him in our bed for a little family snuggle time before our busy day. On this particular morning, Zooey was babbling away as I left him with Josh and pulled myself out of bed to get ready for work. Josh didn't have school, so I was on my own to face the day at that hour.

About 45 minutes later I was ready to leave and realized how quiet it was. I walked into our bedroom to see Josh and Zooey in a precious snuggle that brought tears to my eyes and took everything in my not to kick off my shoes and call in sick.

They were facing each other and Zooey's hand were entwined in Josh's beard. He had pulled his body to almost wrap around Josh's face and they were both sound asleep. My two true loves.

In that moment I was reminded of the many things to be grateful for and mindful of in my life. The memory of that morning is one of them.

New Year

Aww the beginning of yet another year. Zooey's first Christmas(I hope to post pictures one day) flew by, but was very sweet. We traveled and visited, ate and opened presents, got sick (everyone except Zooey) and took multiple deep breaths to remind myself to enjoy the moments.

With this new year comes several new things (not just all of the hundreds of Christmas presents). New classes for Josh, new furniture arrangement in the living room, new sleep schedule, new TEETH! That's right. Zooey has a precious, tiny little bottom tooth.

...and new food (also for Zooey). I've introduced a few solids to Zooey. He hasn't really been to into them, until right before Christmas. I took a make your own baby food class a few months ago, so I've been excited to try it out. So far, what I can tell is that he LOVES bananas, but does not like sweet potato, peas or carrots. On the menu for the next few weeks, he'll try green beans and butternut squash and some sort of grain.

Speaking of grain, I have a little attitude towards rice cereal. I have heard, since Zooey was born, that I need to give him cereal or add cereal to my breastmilk. It infuriates me when people say that (to anyone). So now I have a little voice in the back of my head saying that my child will never have rice cereal. That will show the world. It's juvenile, I know. So maybe just some oatmeal will do.

So with this new adventure with solid food, comes mine and Josh's new adventure in poopy diapers. That will be another post. Just let me say that banana poo is quite gross.

Happy New Year!
-K