Update

Now that I've had some time to calm down a bit and become more rational, I'll give an update. Sadly, Zooey has, in fact, weaned himself. I say sadly, because it's hard for me to accept that my little baby, who is one year tomorrow, is making his own decision to pull away a bit from his mama, but also, sadly, because he wasn't quite making it through the night without nursing. Nor, has he master his reasoning skills enough for me to explain to him that nursing all night will be a hard habit to break.

I've gotten some great words of encouragement friends/other mamas and talked to my two favorite lactation consultants, who told me just what I needed to hear. That it was "okay" for him to do this. That I should feel successful and celebrate his independence. (whew. Breathe, relax the shoulders and release the tension cramping in my back.) It's rare that a baby self weans before 1, but it does happen(apparently). I was thinking that I had done something wrong, bad parent, life scarring, etc...

Josh has been incredible. I pump once a day to provide a night bottle, say "Good Night" and then Josh takes it from there, and I don't know what to do with myself. And actually, seeing how my own 'drying up' process has been a breeze so far, it's clear to me now that Zooey's been more accepting of his growing up process for a while as evidenced by my lower milk production and his increased love of table food.


I would totally keep nursing him to sleep and whenever he woke up, but when he's sleepy and I pick him up he seems conflicted with what is habit and what he wants. He dives to nurse, but then yanks away resulting in horribly confused screaming.


I was prepared for a gradual happier weaning process, but in just one week of following Zooey's cues he has stopped nursing and not looked back, except for a very sweet half nurse one morning, I'm pretty sure he did that for his mama, and one time when he was so upset it was a last resort. He also cut a bottle out from his daily three at daycare and welcomes cups of whole milk instead. Ahhh, my baby is so grown up!

So, having spent a lot of time the past couple of days remembering his beautiful birth and first year, I welcome the growth, independence and changes to come in year 2.

Happy Birthday Zooey! Mama loves you!
-Kelly

So there are several half written posts sitting in my draft folder anxiously waiting to make their debut, but the way I'm feeling today is needing to be expressed first.

I just had the opportunity to spend four days with Zooey all by myself, while Josh went camping and canoeing with friends. I can call it an "opportunity" now that I/we survived, when before it was thought of with intense anxiety and self doubt. "You mean I have to be ALONE with him for that long, fixing ALL of his meals, changing ALL of his diapers, answering EACH of his many teething screams?!?!" I tried to find any possible way to get out of it. My in-laws=out of town, my parents=7hour drive, friends that could come spend the weekend=scattered all over the country.

So, it was just me and him. We filled our days with fun activities: walks to the park, shopping for his birthday party next weekend, playing chase Percy(the cat) around the house, swimming in the new kiddie pool, etc. Mommy napped when he napped, cried some when he cried, and laughed a lot with him, too.

It was an enlightening weekend for me to see that I really do have it in me to provide for all of his needs. Accepting my new role as 'Mommy', even though it has almost been a year, has happened with each milestone or recognition. Birth, nursing, going to daycare, crying all night for mama, finger foods, crawling, babbling, teething, baby proofing and realizing all the new things that I'm responsible for.

With each new phase/milestone, I feel like a certain re-centering, re-focusing, reassurance has to happen in order to counter my immediate tendency to control, micro-manage or deny the unstoppable change. Without this, I miss out and he grows up anyway.

All that to say, I'm at a huge crossroads right now. Zooey is biting. And not cutely trying his shiny new teeth out on me, but drawing blood and leaving bruises. He's had only bottles for the past two days. I'm feeling quite helpless. Maybe a phase? Don't know. Teething? Definitely - # 7 and 8 are breaking through as we speak. Bored? Maybe -he's quite an active one. Vampire? So it seems.

My goal has been to breastfeed for at least a year and then see what happens, but now it seems as if he's being weaned this week (a week before his first birthday).

It wasn't suppose to happen like this! The truth is - I'm heartbroken. I feel as if I've failed. When he nurses, it's OUR time, and now that's over? No! Every 'Mommy Mantra' or positive thinking strategy has gone right out the window and been replaced with panic. All that 're-focusing' crap from three paragraphs ago - gone. I want my nursing baby back!

I know that I can keep pumping and giving him breast milk and maybe it will pass, but another part of me is asking if he could, in fact, be 'self weaning'? He does love food. And if so, do I go through my acceptance steps again and watch him grow? I guess so (said extremely unknowingly.)

The Wisdom of a 9 Month Old

Ahhh...it's been a long day and we're finally home. As much comfort that it provides me to walk into our house, it's hard not to immediately feel distracted by the obvious chores that await. Unpack the car and baby, empty daycare bag of dirty bottles, put pumped milk in the fridge, ask Josh what he's making for dinner :). I take a look around and see dishes to be done, laundry to be put away, corners to be swept, junk to deal with everywhere! I hear the advice of mothers and am quickly overwhelmed by unattainable expectations put on myself by myself. Then I feel it. That breath stopping, tear welling knot that forms in my throat all too easily. Panic. Where do I begin? What is most important?

Then I hear it..."Ma ma ma ma ma." All it takes is a glance at that toothy smile reaching for me to answer my question of what's most important. It's as if he's saying, "The dishes can wait, Momma. This moment with me is now." You're right, son. Thank you.

Perfection is like death

A friend gave a me a book of meditations that I love. I really needed to hear the one I read today.

"Perfection is like death"

We think that if we just meditated enough or jogged or ate perfect food, everything would be perfect. But from the point of view of someone who is awake, that's death. Seeking security or perfection, rejoicing in feeling confirmed and whole, self contained and comfortable, is some kind of death. It doesn't have any fresh air.There's no room for anything to come in and disrupt all that. We are killing the moment by controlling the experience. Doing this is setting ourselves up for failure, because sooner or later we're going to have an experience that we can't control.... The essence of life is that it's challenging...From an awakened perspective, trying to tie up all the loose ends and finally get it together is death, because it involves rejecting a lot of your basic experience...To be fully alive, fully human is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man's land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. - Pema Chodron

Sick Baby

Zooey was actually sick for the first time a few weeks ago. Pretty good for an 8 month old, right?

On that Monday when I picked him up from daycare, he had a fever, but they didn't call because it was 100.9. They call at 101. I still freaked out a bit, since he was a little fussy and tired and had never run a fever like that.

On Tuesday, he made it at daycare until about 1:30 before I got the call saying that I had to pick him up. It was close to 102. Straight to the doctor, who did a little blood test (he didn't cry one bit - I almost did.) that showed that Zooey was fighting something viral. Needless to say, the rest of the day involved lots of nursing and cuddling. He feel asleep on my shoulder, which he never does.

Josh and I both stayed home the next day to tag team Zooey, but he was happy and fever free all day. I think we both spent a lot of the day staring at him, wondering if the worst was over and waiting for something horrible to happen.

All this to say, that experiencing a sick baby for the first time is another unnerving chance for me to learn to feel and actually trust my maternal instincts. My thoughts kept reminding my that I am completely responsible for this tiny person and I had no clue what to do. I found it extremely hard to actually believe that Zooey was okay. Even when he was happy and playing, I was just waiting for him to spike some horrible fever. Everytime he coughed I thought of that scary commercial about whooping cough and was convinced that was what Zooey's cough sounded like. I was constantly coming us with escape routes and emergency plans.

That Wednesday night Zooey cried and coughed for most of the night. I cried a lot of the night as well, convinced that something must be wrong. The next morning Josh told me that he kept trying to take Z from me to let me sleep for a bit and I just cried and mumbled something about changing his diaper and nursing him - clearly letting him go was out of the question.

Needless to say he's made a full recovery and is proving to have a very strong immune system. You'll be happy to know that I've made a full recovery as well and feel I'll be more prepared/ calm next time. We'll see.

peas and prunes and pears - Oh My!

After being introduced to a handful of solids Zooey went 5 days without pooping! That paired with two allergic reactions in one week resulted in a pear and prune diet for the next several days. That makes it a bit difficult to introduce new foods. Now it seems like we're back on track so I've spent a few naptimes making and storing baby food. Cooking is not my favorite thing to do. I'm so thankful for a husband who finds cooking healthy meals stress relieving, but I do like making baby food. Simple steps of preparation and cooking, then blending and spooning into cute little organizing containers are right up my alley.

Poof! Healthy food for a happy baby.

Last weekend it was butternut squash,

pears

and prunes (for obvious reasons).

Zooey loved liking prunes right off the spoon.

This weekend we have peas,

apples

and carrots.

Zooey is so cute. When he sees me put colorful ice cubes into a small bowl, he begins kicking his legs and bouncing around. He knows it's time to eat, and he likes to eat.

Grateful for the Morning

Our mornings can be a bit hectic. It really depends on Zooey's sleep (or lack of). Josh and I have a great tag-team effort. Before leaving for work there needs to/ should be showers, pumping, dressing, blowing raspberries on Zooey's tummy, diapering, COFFEE, and packing bookbag, daycare bag, pump, lunch (I seriously walk out the door with at least 4 bags.)

When Zooey first wakes up, we put him in our bed for a little family snuggle time before our busy day. On this particular morning, Zooey was babbling away as I left him with Josh and pulled myself out of bed to get ready for work. Josh didn't have school, so I was on my own to face the day at that hour.

About 45 minutes later I was ready to leave and realized how quiet it was. I walked into our bedroom to see Josh and Zooey in a precious snuggle that brought tears to my eyes and took everything in my not to kick off my shoes and call in sick.

They were facing each other and Zooey's hand were entwined in Josh's beard. He had pulled his body to almost wrap around Josh's face and they were both sound asleep. My two true loves.

In that moment I was reminded of the many things to be grateful for and mindful of in my life. The memory of that morning is one of them.